Why The Newly Pregnant Disappear

The first 3 months of pregnancy are the most volatile and tender.

No one tells you, before you get pregnant, how many things must go right for the doctor to even give you a due date. When we found out I was pregnant, the doctor’s office thought I was 8 weeks along and invited me in for a first ultrasound. We discovered that I was, in fact, something like 4 or 4.5 weeks along. A cluster of cells. Not even enough to call this small thing a fetus. So we waited.

I know enough to know that these things don’t always work out. A couple has to decide how much to share, and when. To be the pregnant woman is to be a house of possibility and hope. Each change in the body, however uncomfortable, is a sign of progress. The foods I used to love began to send me for the toilet. I could smell a cigarette burning from 2 blocks away. I could no longer enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, for practical reasons but also because the pinot noir I used to love smelled like the acrid scent of a barroom floor the night after over-indulging. Actually, a hangover is pretty good practice for what the early stages of pregnancy can feel like.

If you’re someone who easily conceals or hides who you are or how you feel, it might be fine to keep this major life shift to yourself. For me, it felt impossible. I’m a terrible liar. I wear my emotions on my face. It was easier to stay home than to explain why I wasn’t drinking. My house was like a cocoon and I didn’t want to leave. I slept from 8:30 at night until 6:30 in the morning and woke up with an immediate need to eat.

At 12 weeks, the magical number the doctor’s give, we returned to my OBGYN to hear the heartbeat. The whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of this tiny drum was more than double the pace of my own and confirmed that we were entering a new phase of pregnancy. The 2nd trimester is not only more certain, but it’s also more comfortable. I’m more myself. I have a round belly that helps explain my fatigue or hunger without words. To those I didn’t see during the hibernation of the first trimester, I’m sorry I missed you. I hope we can still be friends.

I’m now more than 20 weeks pregnant. The baby is due in June. I’ll keep you posted. It’s a wild ride.